Looking a bit deeper.

Let's rewind a hot minute. Remember when I said I would write about our new housing situation.. months (years? eons? lifetimes?) ago?

Right. Well clearly, that didn't happen.

But thanks to my renewed gusto for blogging (in part thanks to school, friends, and just a general desire to write, since I love it and haven't done much of it in quite a long time) - it's still on the list!

But first: let's talk about foody, nutrition type things. Because that's kind of why I started this blog in the first place!

Disclaimer: ish is about to get real.

One of my weekly modules while attending IIN included a magnificent talk by Geneen Roth about compulsive eating and other food-related disorders. It was fascinating to listen to - especially seeing that this woman has been through it all: diet pills, anorexia, bulimia, orthorexia, binge eating. You name it, she had experienced it at some point in her life. This in and of itself clearly drew me in, as I have had my own experiences with a few of the same issues.

The reason this woman is such a powerful source of wisdom and knowledge comes partially from her life experiences, but also her realization that our relationship to food is actually a mirror of our relationship to ourself, to our lives, and what we think we deserve. Eating disorders are not just eating disorders.. they are reflective of something much deeper going on in our minds and our lives. She was one of the first people to come out to not only say, but show, that compulsive eating (or lack there of) is a primary symptom of a deeper issue, not the primary problem.

This all relates back to the basic principles of IIN - ones that I whole-heartedly agree with - ones that made me fall in love with the school and its nutrition program in the first place. The concept that our primary foods (like our relationships, career, physical activity, spirituality, finances, etc) feed us just as much if not more than our secondary foods (what we actually put into our bodies). No, a great relationship is not going to make you less hungry, but it may prevent you from eating a pint of ice cream every other night or binging on a bag kettle chips (not that I'd know). All I'm saying is that what we eat is so amazingly indicative of other things going on in our minds and lives.

Roth's talk contained nothing particularly new for me, but it really opened my eyes and made me think about my own situation a bit differently. I always knew that my bulimia was a direct result of never feeling good enough, thin enough, pretty enough to be a dancer - and then, just in general. But I stopped my thinking and analysis of it there. I had a reason, that should be good enough.. right?

But it's not. I've started to think of all the little things that make up those reasons. How my dance teacher, when I was no more than 9 years old, said I could really move forward and be good, if only I were thinner. How my cousin mocked me for being big. How my mom couldn't get over how great I looked my junior year in college, right after I had strep throat, wasn't eating anything, and lost a good 8 pounds. About how, when I gained some of the weight back, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me. (Was it for that reason? I don't know, likely not - but it sure felt like it, and I wasn't in a good place, causing my mind to make up all sorts of crazy excuses.) The moments I was least in control, what I put into and out of my body seemed to be the only thing I could control - whether it simply be through binge eating, or binge eating turned bulimia.

All of this is to say that these things add up. And when I look at the times when I was unhappiest with my body and the things I put into it, I was also, 99% of the time, unhappy with one/many aspects of my life. When I was younger, it was dealing with my parents divorce and the tension between them that carried through much of my day to day life. In college, it was being single for the first time in 6 years, which was incredibly hard for me. Currently, it's a stressful job situation and nostalgia for New York - the city I never got to live in and will always wonder "what if".

So clearly, despite being a health coach and yoga buff and seemingly all put together (at least most days), I still have my own stuff I'm trying to work out. But going to IIN, hearing all these wonderful lectures from folks like Geneen Roth and Andrew Weil, reflecting on my own life and experiences, has given me so much more insight and and motivation to not only heal myself, but help heal others as well. Because everyone has something - it's the nature of life.

I'm curious - have you ever realized how things in your everyday life - relationships, family, career, to name a few - have affected what goes into (and even out of) your body?

Reset.

Can you believe it? I graduated from IIN!

Unfortunately, this is my only proof right now. I *think* I'm going to get some sort of official certificate in the mail.. and there's no real "graduation".. but hey, I passed all the tests and paid them all the money, so I'm good to go!

Guess the whole "I'm going to blog along with my journey" thing didn't really work out so well.

Whatevs. Because the thing that comes with being done with school? Is more time to do other things. Like blog - which I have so terribly missed in the past year (and then some).

Of course, life is still kicking me in the butt and keeping me busy as heck - even though I sometimes whine that I'm not busy enough. My god there's no pleasing this woman.

I think part of it has been that I've been so worried about the direction of this blog - feeling that, since it's sort of tied to a potential career path, it has to contain certain things, and not others. That I may not be taken seriously, or people may be confused, or what have you. But isn't that what editing is for? And hey, I tend to get the most responses to my writing when it comes from the heart and I can be me, 100%. So maybe I just say eff it and go with that.

Now for some actual content.. a brief blurb I wrote a few days ago, but never published. Something I'd just like to throw out there. The current state of affairs, if you will.

See, I'm going through this phase of questioning everything. Not like I don't always do that.. but it's in a different way as of late.

I know a lot of people say this, but I feel like I'm destined for something bigger, something greater, something that's not.. this. Don't get me wrong - I have some really great times and good days with life as is, but it's not necessarily fulfilling me in the way I need it to. There's been a lot of introspection going on in this jumbled up brain of mine.

In my mental and somewhat verbal (sorry, guys) search for that "something", I've had an opportunity arise that has kind of been dropped into my lap. It involves way too much coincidence to have it actually be that, and the prospect has the chance to be something perfect, something could take so many aspects of things I love and mush them all together into one fantastic little bundle. Nothing is for certain, but I can see this having so much promise for me career wise, as well as fulfilling at least a part of what I'm currently lacking.

I still have no idea where to go from here, but just the glimmer of something else, something more, is enough for now. I feel like I'm on the edge of something wonderful, and I just can't wait to get there.

(Side note: I now have Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga stuck in my head. I promise that my life situation is no where near worthy of that song... not yet, anyways!)

Have you ever experienced this whole introspective-questioning-life thing? How'd it go, or heck, how's it going?

A Somewhat Odd Introduction

To be completely honest, sometimes I feel like a phony. I feel like when (if) I tell people that I am going back to school (again) for nutrition and to become a health coach, they'll just laugh in my face.

I can't really say why. Maybe because I feel like I don't "walk the talk" enough. I don't eat completely organically, I really (really) love a glass of wine or two most nights, I constantly crave crunchy, salty foods, I totally have binge-induced moments, I'm often anxious.. you know how it goes. And truth is, I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I mean.. who the hell am I to be helping others improve their lives and their health, when I often feel so lost with my own?

In the grand scheme of things, no - things really aren't so bad. Where I am now is leaps and bounds ahead of where I was even four years ago.

But it's a process. I'm not going to pretend I'm perfect, and I don't want others to think I am. I got into this to help myself, but I quickly realized how much I actually wanted to help others, too - others like me, I guess - others who experience the same frustrations and challenges, but who also really want to change them for the better. To implement a newer, healthier lifestyle.. not a quick (temporary) fix.

So.. what's changed in my life over these past few years? I have to think about that for a minute.

For one, I met Scot. And while I was very much ok on my own.. there's something to be said about love, and about relationships in general. I was so lucky in that I found a good one; one that supports and loves and nurtures and challenges (in a positive way). All of it - all of him - changed me. He's helped me stay true to myself, and I love him fiercely for that.

I also started cooking more in the past few years. I read more books, and I went back to blogging regularly - a necessary creative outlet that I let go of for a while, but am attempting to find my voice with once more. I made new friends - good, genuine friends. I've made a new home for myself in a new state and city, and I've fallen in love with it.

Furthermore, I went back to school for massage therapy three years ago, and thus, got out of my restaurant- and desk-job rut. While those careers are great for some, neither were for me. I needed to tap into something that would help me help others - something where I could use my love of movement in conjunction with my intuition and caring nature. Massage has been able to fill that space for a long time, but recently, I have found myself craving even more. Not necessarily different.. just more.

Enter: my enrollment at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, with the ultimate goal of adding the title of health coach to my job description. It goes without saying that going through IIN's program is helping in and of itself, for sure. Since just this past November, I am now about 98% dairy free (I just can't seem to give up cheese entirely!), I've cut most pasta out of my diet, I drink way less coffee and alcohol, and my yoga practice has picked back up. I've started experimenting with spinach- and kale-infused green smoothies in the morning, and I've come to swear by coconut oil. I eat out less often and experiment more with different vegetables.

But, despite all these great, amazing, positive changes.. I've realized that stress is a killer for me. I get stressed, and all the fresh fruit and vegetables in the world wouldn't be able to satisfy my craving for some tortilla chips or chocolate. And while I've mostly learned to forgive myself for this occasional behavior (I mean, I seriously can't help the current PMSing!), I both want and need to get to a point where I don't sweat the small stuff. Where I can deconstruct my cravings and handle them better. Where all of this is second nature, and not such a challenge for me.

And really, it all starts with the old mantra, "one day at a time".

Look how far I've come already.. there's no reason that can't be enough, at least for now. I've made so many small changes, but they all took their own time over the last few months. And with a bit more, maybe I can reach my goal of being more confident and less frazzled. To be even more in tune with my body and have a more well-rounded, satisfying life. That's what this is all about, when it comes down to it.

So, this is my commitment to myself, and to you. I'm not about to hide anything in an attempt to make it all sunshine and rainbows (clearly). But, I am here to inspire, to help, to listen, and to share.

I hope you'll take this journey with me.