Getting my groove back

It's been some time, hasn't it? It's amazing how much I find myself missing this blog, and blogging in general - it was such a huge part of my life for such a long time and then it just sort of.. faded away. Writing has always been an enjoyable hobby and outlet for me, and I hate that I let it get away from me for so long!!

So much has happened in this past year, and while I don't want to dwell on it, I also think it's important to finally put it into words at some point. The good, the bad, the ugly. It's all important and it's all a part of what has shaped me into the person I am today.

I find it appropriate that my last post on here was about my arrow tattoo. Whether it was apparent to anyone else at the time or not, that tattoo and its symbology went deeper than anyone could imagine. It was and remains to this day one of my most beloved, a true symbol of the time and what was to come.

An arrow can only be shot by pulling backward; when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it is merely getting ready to launch you into something great.

Here's the deal (abridged): Scot and I had been going through some rough spots for a while. And things kept getting worse. Momentarily better.. and then even worse than before. And in my heart of hearts, where I hoped that the things dragging me back would eventually heal my relationship and marriage, I didn't know which way was up. Didn't know where I was headed, what was about to happen, or how I would possibly get through it. And we took some time apart, which turned into a legal separation, which is now an almost-final divorce.

Phew.

So that happened (is happening). And while leaving a crumbling marriage was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, it was also for the best. I wasn't happy. Things weren't right. The magic and the trust that once blessed our relationship was gone. Don't get me wrong - we tried - we tried pretty much everything. And I'll get into some of that eventually. But maybe some things just aren't meant to be.

Let's be honest - there are absolutely times where I miss him, and I miss what we once had - is it possible not to? It's easy to remember the good things. But I am also proud of where I am and who I've become since then, honestly, as a result of it all. The same way our relationship helped shaped my life, so has our breakup. It's all a part of life.

So that's that (well, sort of). Things are definitely different from the last time I shared a bit on here. But that's just how it is.. 2 things are certain in life: death, and change. Might as well embrace it.

Keep smiling, keep trucking' along.. we'll all get there someday. Peace and love, chickadees.
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Number Nine

This past Tuesday, I somewhat impulsively added to my body's art collection with my ninth tattoo. I say impulsively in that I didn't necessarily have this particular new piece planned for a very long time (as many of my others have been), but it is by no means lesser in meaning or stature.

I've hinted a few times since I started this blog back up that things have been a bit tough lately; life has been seriously testing me for the past several months (or, let's be honest.. most of 2014). I'm starting to find my footing again, trying to move forward despite continual setbacks, and really what I have to go on is whatever faith I can find and a sense of hope.. which isn't always easy to muster.

Anyway, I came across this quote a while back.

An arrow can only be shot by pulling backward; when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it is merely getting ready to launch you into something great.

And it rang so incredibly true to my life right now. Call it basic, call it trendy, I really don't give a flying eff. This arrow symbolizes more to me than words can fully describe. I feel like I'm on the verge of something - and hopefully it's something great - but I can't possibly get there without I'm going through now. I wouldn't be put through this life if I couldn't handle it - I firmly believe that. Sure, it may suck. I may be blessed with a bad string of luck while others around me seem to sail along; who knows. All I know is that all my past experiences, good and bad, have made me into the person I am today, and everything I'm experiencing now will just help me evolve into the person I'll be tomorrow, next month, next year.

Life, man. Challenging shit.

((Disclaimer: yes this arrow is on my spine, but it really wasn't too bad. I asked my artist if I was crazy and he told me that compared to the tattoos I got on my foot and ribs.. this would be a breeze. Glad to know I always insist on the worst spots to put ink.))

About beliefs & finding them.

Maybe, for 2015, we focus on who we want to become instead of what we want to do.

You may or may not know this about me, but both of my parents are Lutheran pastors; so was my dad's father.

Needless to say, I grew up heavily involved in the church. We lived in the parsonage next door (my dad still does) and I was in church every Sunday; I was in the Youth Group, in choir, was Mary in our Christmas pageant, taught Vacation Bible School when I was old enough.. church was just a part of life. And honestly? I loved it.

When I went to college, my parents definitely made sure I knew where the closest Lutheran church was. Not saying that I actually went.. like many college kids who grew up going to church every Sunday, I was finally "free". I could go if I wanted, or I could sleep in and nurse that hangover. Or go to church with a hangover. You get the point. Really, I could make up my own mind about it either way and not feel (too much) guilt if I didn't go.

The short of it is that I didn't ever consistently pick up going to church once college hit, except for Easter and Christmas. Then, due to work situations, Easter was give or take depending on the year. Then, when I started going to Christmas with Scot's family (who is not religious at all), I stopped going to Christmas Eve services in lieu of being able to spend time with his family. My in-laws would occasionally come with me if I wanted to go (apparently she grew up Lutheran, he Catholic), but that maybe totaled 2 times out of the past 6 years.

Scot himself identifies as being atheist, and I would personally say I am more along the agnostic side, at least right now. I know I believe in something - and I'm fairly certain it's God - but I'm in that weird wishy-washy state of trying to really find what it is that I believe in.

So sometime last year, a very close friend mentioned that she and her husband started going to this nondenominational church in DC that they both really liked and resonated with, called District Church. It took me a while to get my butt there, but this past Christmas Eve, I took the plunge and checked it out (bonus points since Scot actually came - didn't participate, but hey he was there). And it was really something special - a group of people with a common core, with the Bible presented in a way that made it incredibly relatable to life today, without a lot of the nuances you get from traditional church. The congregation averaged in the 20s/30s/40s age range - some shouting "Amen!" at points, some staying quiet, some singing the carols of the night and listening intently (that would be me). Overall, it was a pretty great experience and I met a few lovely people.

A few weeks later, my friend mentioned that the church has several small groups that are starting up in the new "semester" - one being a women's group meeting just around the corner from where she lives. We both decided to take the plunge together - maybe this would be a good way to explore our relationships with God a bit more.. maybe we would meet some other cool women? But.. would it be too "churchy"? Would it be what we were each separately looking for?

The first meeting was this past Monday, and the best thing I can say is that I will definitely be going back. All the women were incredibly nice, and many of us were new to the small group thing, which actually helped put me at ease a bit. We talked about the sermons over the past two weeks (they have podcasts available if you missed church - this is clutch), how we can relate to them, and different ways to "share the Word" with others. One particular sermon was about tending to your soul (I could write a whole post on this on its own.. see quote above), and this in particular has really been resonating with me lately. The timing of it all coincides with a lot of interesting things in my life right now, and I feel that this group can be a very good thing for me this year. We are already set to be volunteering for MLK day in DC next week, and the assignment for the week after is to read through the book of Ruth.

Now if I'm being completely honest.. I'm not 100% sure how on board I am with reading through the Bible and "spreading the Word" right now. I still feel like I'm trying to find my footing, and most of these ladies are very sure of their God and what/who they believe in. The best I can do is try and take it one step at a time - at the very least, I can definitely see myself getting to know the women and the group a bit better.. maybe even "find myself" a bit more in the process.

Plus, I learned about a bunch of fun apps since, um, I'm not exactly sure I still have a Bible handy.

I'd love to know if anyone else has a similar situation - whether with finding their belief or going to a small group?

This year...

Oh, hey there. Look who fell off the blogging bandwagon. Yet again!

Guys, life has been a handful lately. I'm talking reevaluating life, questioning relationships, rediscovering priorities, etcetera and so forth. Tomorrow marks exactly 6 months until I turn 30, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't probably having a helluva time coming to terms with that. Not so much the number or the age itself, but more of what comes along with it.

Am I happy with where I am now? What are my goals? Should I be further along than I already am? Why don't I have my shit figured out? Should I be wanting kids soon? Why can't I get a damn budget in order? Should I move to Colorado? (Seriously.) When will I finally fully love myself?

I probably think about three of these things at least once every day. It's big-question stuff. Stuff that can't necessarily be answered, at least not right away. Stuff that I'd like to address a bit more this year, instead of just pushing it off to the side (because let's be honest, it's so much easier to do that).

So, where do I start?

Well first.. when I took a look at last years goals, I realized I didn't quite do a stand-up job at sticking with them. So some I am going to renew, and some I have changed and added, and will probably keep adding to. Life is all about the process, not the destination... right? Right.

So for 2015:

1. Blog more. (Again.)
I had this as number one on my list last year as well, and all I can say is that I have re-added it for this year and I will do my damn best to stick to it!

2. Read more.
I'm really, really good at starting books and then never finishing them. At any given time, I'm probably about a quarter of the way through 3 or 4 different books, some of which get finished and some of which never do. (There's of course always the random book that I devour within a week, on top of that.) But this year, I am determined to make reading a part of my weekly, if not daily, routine. It helps that I started a mini-book club with a few friends, and also joined another one through my yoga studio.

3. Refocus on healthy habits.
When life gets stressy, I have a bad habit of falling completely off the bandwagon. Nutrition and healthy living is something I am undoubtedly passionate about, but also something that I admittedly struggle with - especially when life gets a bit rough. I've been really focusing on me lately - emotionally, spiritually, physically - and this has helped kickstart a renewed sense of vitality and love for myself. I simply want to continue on that path!

4. Refocus on Gingerbean.
This has been a long time coming. Things are fairly settled with the winery at this point, which gives me much more time to focus on my massage and health coaching business. I really want (and honestly, need) to develop my practice a bit more.. I have dubbed 2015 as the year to do so!

5. Complete my Yoga Teacher Training
More on this soon.. but I have been wanting to do this for quite some time now. My fave studio just released details about their new YTT program this coming fall/winter, and I am cautiously optimistic that I may be able to swing it. Which brings me to..

6. Get better with money.
Long and short of it is I'm really in the weeds, financially. Both Scot and I got ourselves into a bit of a mess, and it's kind of hell getting out of it. So budgeting and sticking with it is actually a top priority, above all right now. And if I can get that in order.. well, #5 might actually happen.

So these are really more like goals, than resolutions. I'm also planning on starting a sugar detox over the next week or so, so I guess that's a "resolution", but I'm not really resolving anything. Just trying my hand at something.

So what say you, fine folks? Any goals or resolutions of your own for 2015?

Gluten-free, Dairy-free, Sugar-free Blueberry Muffins

Well the hubs and I returned from our Maine getaway on Friday - and while I'm dying to write all about it, I just absolutely need to start off with a recipe I made this morning with some of the super fresh, hand-picked Maine blueberries we brought back!!

First off, we need to talk about the blueberries: it's kind of been a life dream to go berry picking.. it's a long story. But once I found out that we were going to be in Maine during peak blueberry season, it became a necessity for me to find a pick-your-own farm somewhere in our travels (bonus: it's one of the few fruits/berries Scot will actually eat). My handy Coastal Maine travel book that I picked up the day before we left mentioned one in particular, that just so happened to be about halfway between two of our destinations. It didn't have a website - just some vague information that they are usually open daily in August, weather-permitting. A quick call the morning we wanted to go let me know they were indeed open, so off we went to Staples Homestead.

What ensued was pure chaos. All of the FOUR GPS's we had with us were navigating us to a dead end road with an off-roading option leading forward into lord knows where. We tried to be adventurous and keep going, but once the underbrush was literally banging on the underside of the car and the flies outside were swarming like in those terrible horror movies, we made a 27 point turn and had no option but to turn around.

Not one to be deterred by mere nature getting in the way (I mean seriously.. this place had to exist), I used my trusty map skills (thank god I grew up in a time where people actually knew how to read maps) and rerouted us a different way, one where it looked like a road actually went. Once we started seeing "Blueberry" signs, we knew we were in the clear. However, note to self: write complaint to Google maps. I still don't understand what it was trying to make us do. Probably get killed.

And thus our blueberry-picking experience was complete. All told, I think we ended up saving a buck by picking them ourselves. But the memories? Priceless!

But enough about blueberry fields and almost dying.. onto the recipe! While these little berries of antioxidant bliss are perfectly sweet and yummy on their own, nothing can really beat the taste of a warm blueberry muffin with some coffee and OJ out on the deck. Amiright?!



A little searching and adapting this morning gave me a super delicious "free" recipe that not only tastes good, but is good for you. The best kind!!

*recipe adapted from Cave Girl in the City

Just a quick note.. feel free to mix things up a bit!! I used almond extract since that was all I had, but vanilla would taste wonderful with this recipe.

For the sweet aspect, I opted for super local honey, but maple syrup or brown rice syrup would work just as well. While any of these options do still contain some fructose, it's still always better to use a naturally occurring kind vs processed white sugar (hence the "sugar-free" notation). The body absorbs the sugar from these sources much slower, thus preventing that infamous sugar-crash.

I also added about 1/4 cup of crushed flax seed to the recipe, which didn't seem to mess things up too much.. gotta love the fiber!!

Now excuse me while I go have a second third muffin and some iced coffee.

SUP Yoga

In my continued effort to try new things, be more active, and be more independent (as in, being okay doing things on my own without Scot or a friend), I decided to try my hand at yoga.. on a stand-up paddle board (SUP).

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First off, you'd be amazed at all the nature that the DC area actually has around it - most notably Rock Creek Park and the Potomac River. And while the Potomac isn't exactly the most beautiful (or cleanest) in the world, it has a ton of canals and little tributaries throughout the area that are actually quite nice and peaceful. It's like a little getaway without getting away - the trails, the still water, the waterfalls and birds chirping - it's like a mini urban oasis, if you know where to go.

I knew that folks would kayak or fish (ew) on the water, but the concept of stand-up paddle boarding was a new one to me as of a couple months ago. It looked cool enough - just stand and paddle and not get wet - and my initial thought was to try it out in Maine a bit with the boy. But then the buzz about SUP yoga started to appear on my Facebook news feed, on Instagram, at my yoga studio.. and while the idea completely terrified me (um hi, YOGA on the WATER?!).. I also knew I had to do it. So I signed up on a whim for a morning class this past Tuesday.

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It turns out that not many folks like to go do yoga on the Potomac at 9:30am on a Tuesday.. which was fine with me, because I ended up getting a one-on-one session with Lisa, my instructor. It also made me feel much better when I completely wiped out and got a bit wet as a result of a shaky Warrior I and revolved triangle. It's a whole different ball game on a wobbly board than the ground, let me tell you! (It also didn't help that my board was missing a fin, making it a bit less stable as well.) You are forced to truly focus on the task at hand - great for those of us who find our minds wandering during a regular class sometimes - and you really have to tap into your core. I was sore like woah the next two days!!

All things told, I thought I did okay.. and the dip in the water was actually quite refreshing! I'd love to try the class with more people, and perhaps at night when you can watch the sunset happening right around savasana time. My yoga teacher this morning mentioned doing that exact thing last night, and it sounds purely magical. Now all we need are some unicorns.

I definitely plan on doing the class again before they close up for the fall/winter - maybe even make a regular routine next summer. Just you wait - this will be me in no time!

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..well you know. At least after I nail it on the floor first.

Have you tried SUP yoga, or anything fun and different lately? I'm always looking for more!

Happy Endings

I've always wanted to be part of a book club. Well.. at least for the past five years or so.

It's funny because I think book clubs can get a bad rap - conjuring images of 40 year old housewives and 80 year old grandmothers sitting around as discussing the latest Oprah find. At least, that's where my mind tends to go first when I hear the words "book club". While I've always enjoyed reading, the idea of discussing what I read seemed both silly and terrifying to me. Mostly because that's what we had to do in school with every damn book and I will tell you right now, I am the worst with symbolism.  The Lord of the Flies was about some messed up kids, and that's it. Just let me enjoy the book.

And then somewhere along the way, I decided that I absolutely must join - maybe even start? - a book club. Mostly to kick my butt into gear and actually get me reading and finishing a book. I constantly find myself in the middle of 3 or 4 different books, which is super, but it takes me 10 months to finish anything because of my perpetual need for something new to keep me entertained. Then I get all upset because I never finish anything, and forget what I was even reading about. It's quite stupid, actually.

Rewind to last weekend when I was out on the town with my lovely friend T and her hubs. We went to this fabulous little posh-dive bar (oxymoron much?) that specializes in crazy cocktails - one of which was called a Happy Ending. Gin, raspberry, jalapeño, lemon.. I was sold.

The topic of birthdays came up, as T turned the big 3-0 this year, her hubs had a birthday the week before, and I just had mine a few weeks ago. Naturally, we starting griping about "getting old".. and T mentioned wanting to be in a book club. We started bonding over our mutual dorkiness and admiration for the subject, and decided we must start our own club. It would be called Happy Endings.. and it totally relates to books. Not just delicious drinks and naughty things.

So we are currently deciding what to read first.. and I have to say, once again, Pinterest is delivering with all the suggestions. I'm hoping we can choose by tomorrow so I have something to bring with me and read in Maine (in between all the lobster, of course).

Any suggestions? What books have you been loving lately?