Looking a bit deeper.

Let's rewind a hot minute. Remember when I said I would write about our new housing situation.. months (years? eons? lifetimes?) ago?

Right. Well clearly, that didn't happen.

But thanks to my renewed gusto for blogging (in part thanks to school, friends, and just a general desire to write, since I love it and haven't done much of it in quite a long time) - it's still on the list!

But first: let's talk about foody, nutrition type things. Because that's kind of why I started this blog in the first place!

Disclaimer: ish is about to get real.

One of my weekly modules while attending IIN included a magnificent talk by Geneen Roth about compulsive eating and other food-related disorders. It was fascinating to listen to - especially seeing that this woman has been through it all: diet pills, anorexia, bulimia, orthorexia, binge eating. You name it, she had experienced it at some point in her life. This in and of itself clearly drew me in, as I have had my own experiences with a few of the same issues.

The reason this woman is such a powerful source of wisdom and knowledge comes partially from her life experiences, but also her realization that our relationship to food is actually a mirror of our relationship to ourself, to our lives, and what we think we deserve. Eating disorders are not just eating disorders.. they are reflective of something much deeper going on in our minds and our lives. She was one of the first people to come out to not only say, but show, that compulsive eating (or lack there of) is a primary symptom of a deeper issue, not the primary problem.

This all relates back to the basic principles of IIN - ones that I whole-heartedly agree with - ones that made me fall in love with the school and its nutrition program in the first place. The concept that our primary foods (like our relationships, career, physical activity, spirituality, finances, etc) feed us just as much if not more than our secondary foods (what we actually put into our bodies). No, a great relationship is not going to make you less hungry, but it may prevent you from eating a pint of ice cream every other night or binging on a bag kettle chips (not that I'd know). All I'm saying is that what we eat is so amazingly indicative of other things going on in our minds and lives.

Roth's talk contained nothing particularly new for me, but it really opened my eyes and made me think about my own situation a bit differently. I always knew that my bulimia was a direct result of never feeling good enough, thin enough, pretty enough to be a dancer - and then, just in general. But I stopped my thinking and analysis of it there. I had a reason, that should be good enough.. right?

But it's not. I've started to think of all the little things that make up those reasons. How my dance teacher, when I was no more than 9 years old, said I could really move forward and be good, if only I were thinner. How my cousin mocked me for being big. How my mom couldn't get over how great I looked my junior year in college, right after I had strep throat, wasn't eating anything, and lost a good 8 pounds. About how, when I gained some of the weight back, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me. (Was it for that reason? I don't know, likely not - but it sure felt like it, and I wasn't in a good place, causing my mind to make up all sorts of crazy excuses.) The moments I was least in control, what I put into and out of my body seemed to be the only thing I could control - whether it simply be through binge eating, or binge eating turned bulimia.

All of this is to say that these things add up. And when I look at the times when I was unhappiest with my body and the things I put into it, I was also, 99% of the time, unhappy with one/many aspects of my life. When I was younger, it was dealing with my parents divorce and the tension between them that carried through much of my day to day life. In college, it was being single for the first time in 6 years, which was incredibly hard for me. Currently, it's a stressful job situation and nostalgia for New York - the city I never got to live in and will always wonder "what if".

So clearly, despite being a health coach and yoga buff and seemingly all put together (at least most days), I still have my own stuff I'm trying to work out. But going to IIN, hearing all these wonderful lectures from folks like Geneen Roth and Andrew Weil, reflecting on my own life and experiences, has given me so much more insight and and motivation to not only heal myself, but help heal others as well. Because everyone has something - it's the nature of life.

I'm curious - have you ever realized how things in your everyday life - relationships, family, career, to name a few - have affected what goes into (and even out of) your body?

An Exercise in Independence

Happy Friday, all!!

Friday's are kind of my favorite because it's one of my few, consistent days off. So far it's been full of green tea, yoga, a shower.. and now some leftover roasted potatoes from last night. God I love potatoes.

Anyway, much more exciting things happened this week besides me eating potatoes. In fact, on Tuesday, I went to this fun little class hosted by Living Social called "Make Your Own Vegan Skincare" at their event space in downtown DC. (Side note: I'm still not sure why you have to throw the word vegan in there - I really wasn't planning on putting milk or steak on my face, thank you. Well, maybe milk. Except I don't really do milk unless it's in cheese form. But.. no cheese on my face, please.)

By the way, if you live in the DC area - I highly recommend you go to one of Living Social's classes or events in that space.. it's pretty awesome. And they have a bar!

So: after work on Tuesday, I headed downtown to attend this class solo. My über natural-yoga-bff (here-to-for referred to as Bunny Love) was originally supposed to come along as well, but she realized rather last minute that she double booked and the start date of her new yoga class was the same night as the skin care class. After much anguish of whether I should still attend the class or not, I sucked it up and went. I mean, this is the 21st century right? Going somewhere alone is totally normal, not weird, and even empowering.

At least that's what I told myself.

So I left work promptly at 5, used the metro for the first time in who knows how many months (ugh I've gotten way too suburban for life), got to the event, and headed straight to the bar for a glass of vino.

Well ok.. maybe two.

The class was a bit late getting started, but once it did, it was pretty fascinating! It also seemed like several folks (lets be honest: all of us were women) were flying solo, as well. Ah, all for the love of natural skin care!

We were seated at two long tables - maybe 40 of us in all - with four people assigned per burner and ingredients. The class was led by Jill of evoLve skin - a woman who started her own line of natural, ethical skin care not too long ago and is slowly expanding her business in the DC area.

Once we were all paired up and settled, we started off making some lip balm...

 then a facial toner...

and lastly, a salt scrub.

Now while we did some of the most basic versions of each product, it was still pretty cool to see how relatively easy it is to make natural, mostly organic skin care. The best rule of thumb? Get your skin care from your kitchen. We used things like coconut oil, green tea, epsom salt, and olive oil - you could literally eat all this stuff and be perfectly fine. It probably wouldn't taste super amazing, but it's good for you!

One of the best parts of this class was the connection I made with the instructor afterwards - it turns out she also has a background in dance (yay dancers!), is looking to expand her natural skin care line, and lives across the street from my massage therapy job. So, naturally, I networked away and have a meeting set up with her for early next week to possibly partner with her and feature her products at work. All of it is actually turning into a very exciting prospect!

So, my lesson learned here? (Aside from the fact that I now want to start MY own skin care line..) Going at it alone can still be pretty fun. I used to be terrified of going anywhere or doing anything by myself, but as I've gotten older, I've realized that I really kind of love to thrive in my independence. Is it still scary sometimes? Sure. But it's also empowering and, in a way, confidence-boosting. It also apparently gives me a great opportunity to network (which is a feat in and of itself). Huzzah!

How are you with going out on your own? Does it or has it always come easy, or is it more of a challenge?

A Somewhat Odd Introduction

To be completely honest, sometimes I feel like a phony. I feel like when (if) I tell people that I am going back to school (again) for nutrition and to become a health coach, they'll just laugh in my face.

I can't really say why. Maybe because I feel like I don't "walk the talk" enough. I don't eat completely organically, I really (really) love a glass of wine or two most nights, I constantly crave crunchy, salty foods, I totally have binge-induced moments, I'm often anxious.. you know how it goes. And truth is, I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I mean.. who the hell am I to be helping others improve their lives and their health, when I often feel so lost with my own?

In the grand scheme of things, no - things really aren't so bad. Where I am now is leaps and bounds ahead of where I was even four years ago.

But it's a process. I'm not going to pretend I'm perfect, and I don't want others to think I am. I got into this to help myself, but I quickly realized how much I actually wanted to help others, too - others like me, I guess - others who experience the same frustrations and challenges, but who also really want to change them for the better. To implement a newer, healthier lifestyle.. not a quick (temporary) fix.

So.. what's changed in my life over these past few years? I have to think about that for a minute.

For one, I met Scot. And while I was very much ok on my own.. there's something to be said about love, and about relationships in general. I was so lucky in that I found a good one; one that supports and loves and nurtures and challenges (in a positive way). All of it - all of him - changed me. He's helped me stay true to myself, and I love him fiercely for that.

I also started cooking more in the past few years. I read more books, and I went back to blogging regularly - a necessary creative outlet that I let go of for a while, but am attempting to find my voice with once more. I made new friends - good, genuine friends. I've made a new home for myself in a new state and city, and I've fallen in love with it.

Furthermore, I went back to school for massage therapy three years ago, and thus, got out of my restaurant- and desk-job rut. While those careers are great for some, neither were for me. I needed to tap into something that would help me help others - something where I could use my love of movement in conjunction with my intuition and caring nature. Massage has been able to fill that space for a long time, but recently, I have found myself craving even more. Not necessarily different.. just more.

Enter: my enrollment at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, with the ultimate goal of adding the title of health coach to my job description. It goes without saying that going through IIN's program is helping in and of itself, for sure. Since just this past November, I am now about 98% dairy free (I just can't seem to give up cheese entirely!), I've cut most pasta out of my diet, I drink way less coffee and alcohol, and my yoga practice has picked back up. I've started experimenting with spinach- and kale-infused green smoothies in the morning, and I've come to swear by coconut oil. I eat out less often and experiment more with different vegetables.

But, despite all these great, amazing, positive changes.. I've realized that stress is a killer for me. I get stressed, and all the fresh fruit and vegetables in the world wouldn't be able to satisfy my craving for some tortilla chips or chocolate. And while I've mostly learned to forgive myself for this occasional behavior (I mean, I seriously can't help the current PMSing!), I both want and need to get to a point where I don't sweat the small stuff. Where I can deconstruct my cravings and handle them better. Where all of this is second nature, and not such a challenge for me.

And really, it all starts with the old mantra, "one day at a time".

Look how far I've come already.. there's no reason that can't be enough, at least for now. I've made so many small changes, but they all took their own time over the last few months. And with a bit more, maybe I can reach my goal of being more confident and less frazzled. To be even more in tune with my body and have a more well-rounded, satisfying life. That's what this is all about, when it comes down to it.

So, this is my commitment to myself, and to you. I'm not about to hide anything in an attempt to make it all sunshine and rainbows (clearly). But, I am here to inspire, to help, to listen, and to share.

I hope you'll take this journey with me.