Number Nine

This past Tuesday, I somewhat impulsively added to my body's art collection with my ninth tattoo. I say impulsively in that I didn't necessarily have this particular new piece planned for a very long time (as many of my others have been), but it is by no means lesser in meaning or stature.

I've hinted a few times since I started this blog back up that things have been a bit tough lately; life has been seriously testing me for the past several months (or, let's be honest.. most of 2014). I'm starting to find my footing again, trying to move forward despite continual setbacks, and really what I have to go on is whatever faith I can find and a sense of hope.. which isn't always easy to muster.

Anyway, I came across this quote a while back.

An arrow can only be shot by pulling backward; when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it is merely getting ready to launch you into something great.

And it rang so incredibly true to my life right now. Call it basic, call it trendy, I really don't give a flying eff. This arrow symbolizes more to me than words can fully describe. I feel like I'm on the verge of something - and hopefully it's something great - but I can't possibly get there without I'm going through now. I wouldn't be put through this life if I couldn't handle it - I firmly believe that. Sure, it may suck. I may be blessed with a bad string of luck while others around me seem to sail along; who knows. All I know is that all my past experiences, good and bad, have made me into the person I am today, and everything I'm experiencing now will just help me evolve into the person I'll be tomorrow, next month, next year.

Life, man. Challenging shit.

((Disclaimer: yes this arrow is on my spine, but it really wasn't too bad. I asked my artist if I was crazy and he told me that compared to the tattoos I got on my foot and ribs.. this would be a breeze. Glad to know I always insist on the worst spots to put ink.))

About beliefs & finding them.

Maybe, for 2015, we focus on who we want to become instead of what we want to do.

You may or may not know this about me, but both of my parents are Lutheran pastors; so was my dad's father.

Needless to say, I grew up heavily involved in the church. We lived in the parsonage next door (my dad still does) and I was in church every Sunday; I was in the Youth Group, in choir, was Mary in our Christmas pageant, taught Vacation Bible School when I was old enough.. church was just a part of life. And honestly? I loved it.

When I went to college, my parents definitely made sure I knew where the closest Lutheran church was. Not saying that I actually went.. like many college kids who grew up going to church every Sunday, I was finally "free". I could go if I wanted, or I could sleep in and nurse that hangover. Or go to church with a hangover. You get the point. Really, I could make up my own mind about it either way and not feel (too much) guilt if I didn't go.

The short of it is that I didn't ever consistently pick up going to church once college hit, except for Easter and Christmas. Then, due to work situations, Easter was give or take depending on the year. Then, when I started going to Christmas with Scot's family (who is not religious at all), I stopped going to Christmas Eve services in lieu of being able to spend time with his family. My in-laws would occasionally come with me if I wanted to go (apparently she grew up Lutheran, he Catholic), but that maybe totaled 2 times out of the past 6 years.

Scot himself identifies as being atheist, and I would personally say I am more along the agnostic side, at least right now. I know I believe in something - and I'm fairly certain it's God - but I'm in that weird wishy-washy state of trying to really find what it is that I believe in.

So sometime last year, a very close friend mentioned that she and her husband started going to this nondenominational church in DC that they both really liked and resonated with, called District Church. It took me a while to get my butt there, but this past Christmas Eve, I took the plunge and checked it out (bonus points since Scot actually came - didn't participate, but hey he was there). And it was really something special - a group of people with a common core, with the Bible presented in a way that made it incredibly relatable to life today, without a lot of the nuances you get from traditional church. The congregation averaged in the 20s/30s/40s age range - some shouting "Amen!" at points, some staying quiet, some singing the carols of the night and listening intently (that would be me). Overall, it was a pretty great experience and I met a few lovely people.

A few weeks later, my friend mentioned that the church has several small groups that are starting up in the new "semester" - one being a women's group meeting just around the corner from where she lives. We both decided to take the plunge together - maybe this would be a good way to explore our relationships with God a bit more.. maybe we would meet some other cool women? But.. would it be too "churchy"? Would it be what we were each separately looking for?

The first meeting was this past Monday, and the best thing I can say is that I will definitely be going back. All the women were incredibly nice, and many of us were new to the small group thing, which actually helped put me at ease a bit. We talked about the sermons over the past two weeks (they have podcasts available if you missed church - this is clutch), how we can relate to them, and different ways to "share the Word" with others. One particular sermon was about tending to your soul (I could write a whole post on this on its own.. see quote above), and this in particular has really been resonating with me lately. The timing of it all coincides with a lot of interesting things in my life right now, and I feel that this group can be a very good thing for me this year. We are already set to be volunteering for MLK day in DC next week, and the assignment for the week after is to read through the book of Ruth.

Now if I'm being completely honest.. I'm not 100% sure how on board I am with reading through the Bible and "spreading the Word" right now. I still feel like I'm trying to find my footing, and most of these ladies are very sure of their God and what/who they believe in. The best I can do is try and take it one step at a time - at the very least, I can definitely see myself getting to know the women and the group a bit better.. maybe even "find myself" a bit more in the process.

Plus, I learned about a bunch of fun apps since, um, I'm not exactly sure I still have a Bible handy.

I'd love to know if anyone else has a similar situation - whether with finding their belief or going to a small group?

This year...

Oh, hey there. Look who fell off the blogging bandwagon. Yet again!

Guys, life has been a handful lately. I'm talking reevaluating life, questioning relationships, rediscovering priorities, etcetera and so forth. Tomorrow marks exactly 6 months until I turn 30, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't probably having a helluva time coming to terms with that. Not so much the number or the age itself, but more of what comes along with it.

Am I happy with where I am now? What are my goals? Should I be further along than I already am? Why don't I have my shit figured out? Should I be wanting kids soon? Why can't I get a damn budget in order? Should I move to Colorado? (Seriously.) When will I finally fully love myself?

I probably think about three of these things at least once every day. It's big-question stuff. Stuff that can't necessarily be answered, at least not right away. Stuff that I'd like to address a bit more this year, instead of just pushing it off to the side (because let's be honest, it's so much easier to do that).

So, where do I start?

Well first.. when I took a look at last years goals, I realized I didn't quite do a stand-up job at sticking with them. So some I am going to renew, and some I have changed and added, and will probably keep adding to. Life is all about the process, not the destination... right? Right.

So for 2015:

1. Blog more. (Again.)
I had this as number one on my list last year as well, and all I can say is that I have re-added it for this year and I will do my damn best to stick to it!

2. Read more.
I'm really, really good at starting books and then never finishing them. At any given time, I'm probably about a quarter of the way through 3 or 4 different books, some of which get finished and some of which never do. (There's of course always the random book that I devour within a week, on top of that.) But this year, I am determined to make reading a part of my weekly, if not daily, routine. It helps that I started a mini-book club with a few friends, and also joined another one through my yoga studio.

3. Refocus on healthy habits.
When life gets stressy, I have a bad habit of falling completely off the bandwagon. Nutrition and healthy living is something I am undoubtedly passionate about, but also something that I admittedly struggle with - especially when life gets a bit rough. I've been really focusing on me lately - emotionally, spiritually, physically - and this has helped kickstart a renewed sense of vitality and love for myself. I simply want to continue on that path!

4. Refocus on Gingerbean.
This has been a long time coming. Things are fairly settled with the winery at this point, which gives me much more time to focus on my massage and health coaching business. I really want (and honestly, need) to develop my practice a bit more.. I have dubbed 2015 as the year to do so!

5. Complete my Yoga Teacher Training
More on this soon.. but I have been wanting to do this for quite some time now. My fave studio just released details about their new YTT program this coming fall/winter, and I am cautiously optimistic that I may be able to swing it. Which brings me to..

6. Get better with money.
Long and short of it is I'm really in the weeds, financially. Both Scot and I got ourselves into a bit of a mess, and it's kind of hell getting out of it. So budgeting and sticking with it is actually a top priority, above all right now. And if I can get that in order.. well, #5 might actually happen.

So these are really more like goals, than resolutions. I'm also planning on starting a sugar detox over the next week or so, so I guess that's a "resolution", but I'm not really resolving anything. Just trying my hand at something.

So what say you, fine folks? Any goals or resolutions of your own for 2015?